Sex has always been a weird thing for me. I consider myself a pretty sexual person, but a childhood riddled with insecurities that have only continued to thrive throughout college has kept my relationship with my body very… not great. Because of this I kept everything at arms length (literally) for quite some time.
I always admired boys from afar, my first crushes ranging from Kaury back in 2ndgrade for his curls and kickball skills, Ian in middle school who let me nap on his shoulder on a bus once, a variety if boys I could keep strictly in online “relationships” throughout high school in order to never subject myself to the embarrassment of actually meeting… boys scared me!! They still scare me!! My first kiss wasn’t until I was 18 and a few months from graduating high school and, though my little bubble of friends were equally as inexperienced, everyone else our age had been hooking up for years. They’d had relationships and homecoming dates and morning texts and here I was dreaming of these things but without any boys wanting the same from me.
Halloween of my senior year, just two months before my first kiss, I went to my first real party. And by real party I mean there was alcohol. I was never really invited to these things and jumped at the chance, throwing on a flannel with a few other friends so we could say we were cowgirls. That night was a weird one for many reasons, from playing beer pong for the first time to getting felt up by a British guy in front of the whole party, but it ends with my crush beginning on a boy we will call Greg… who got lucky enough to lose his virginity to a girl from my school that night. Didn’t bother me though!
Greg and I had a texting and Facebook message relationship throughout the next two months before finally meeting up at my friend’s house where he and I cuddled watching Spiderman with two other lady friends of mine. The best thing about Greg, to me, was that he was cute but not to an intimidating level, and nice but not like oh I’m in LOVE with you type of nice, ya know? So, I knew I wanted him to be my first kiss. That night our cuddles and arm tickles on the couch led to him typing on his notes app (what a high school thing) “Walk me to my car? I have to go home.” I nodded and he and I ventured down the driveway on this cold December night. My heart was racing, my stomach turning, each step closer to his car led to more and more fear growing inside of me. Then all of a sudden we are there, looking at each other, he’s grabbing my face, and we kiss. A quick second of this before I pull back, confused at why people liked to kiss… what was all the hype about? I literally just pressed lips with this dude for a second and pulled away covered in his slobber, the type of kiss that you have to use your sleeve afterward to wipe yourself off. His words bring me back to reality and as he says “Wanna get into the back of my car with me?” only for me to blurt out “That was my first kiss!” and rush inside. Yes, it was as smooth as you probably are assuming. I felt like I was in a movie as I reached the door and my friends had been watching out the window, greeting me with giggles and jumping up and down with excitement. This moment didn’t last long before I felt the disgust from the slobber combined with my anxiety build up into a hurricane of nausea inside me and I… threw up. I made it to the toilet. But yes, I threw up. So yeah, that’s… my first kiss story.
If you’re wondering about mine and Greg’s love story following this fantastic night, well, it was nonexistent. I had freaked him out by emphasizing my first kiss and I was very content not pursuing anything. We remained/(remain?) friends enough for me to attend his graduation party that summer where he managed to get a jab in about my kissing skills. But for that, I can say I’m just glad I’m the one who kept my mouth closed. We did share a new year’s kiss 3 years later just for kicks and it wasn’t bad. But yeah, the Greg train is officially a part of my past. Good guy though! And not a bad first kiss. Especially since I know he’s reigned in the tongue a bit.
twentysandtrying.com 