A freshman in college
Very young
Naive, Eighteen
Belief in love is not yet faded
I hope its real
I was not yet jaded
Boys start with wanting physical things
Right? Thats true?
Even the good ones. But they want more soon?
They’ll want to get to know me?
After a cuddle and kiss?
At the time, I truly believed this
Nate was his name
We matched online
And little did I know
It was only a matter of time
My text jokes earned nice replies
“Starting to really like you already”
I’d smile and feel a light in my eyes
I believed every word
Every statement
Why not?
I never had a doubtful thought
He invites me over
I’m scared and take a few shots first
The excitement fills me up
No thoughts for the worst
Much to my surprise
I arrive to 4 guys
Odd looks in their eyes
Nate kinda smiles
Hellos were exchanged
But the tv was more important
His words over the phone
Were not equivalently spoken
We sit there and small talk
His friends blankly stare
I wonder why I’m there
And thats a thought I think they share
He’s done with his show and we decided to head out
I realize I forgot the key to my house
You’re content with that thought
Acting as though I can just sleep on your couch
We kiss but youre pushy
It’s not enough for you
But you know I am a virgin
You had liked that being true
I stop things at kissing
Thats not what you want
The silent treatment follows
I feel very lost
You go to bed angry
I barely know you
Only to wake up at 7
To see you messaging girls that you like them too
I head home uncomfortable
Assuming we wont speak
And that reigns true
For about one or two weeks
Then I’m siting at the library
And my phone lights up
It says its from you
I didn’t think it was true
Once I open the message
My heart drops to the floor
“Just so you know, no one could ever like you for your personality..
Just for you physically, for a hookup, as a whore…”
I’d never read words that hurt me so much
All I ever wanted so bad was to be loved
A boy who barely knew me thought that was okay
He clearly didn’t know the power of words he chose to say
No one could like my personality
Just get what they wanted and go
It just took those words
For my self love to fly out the window
That situation itself jaded me
I was not the same
Less hopeful with each meeting
“All guys are the same”
Its been years now
And I still think about those words
My thoughts on myself, men haven’t changed much
In my head, his comments still heard
Thank you Nate
In some way you brought me down to earth
Though I’m still hopeful
A boy will come and show me I have more worth
twentysandtrying.com 