This time of year always terrifies me. Don’t get me wrong, I love fall. My birthday is this month. I love the colors. The perfect temperature. College football tailgates and pumpkin patches and apple cider. The sweaters and beanies and boots.
But the wave of sadness and hopelessness hits between the 21st-31st.
I’m a senior but I’ve left every year on halloween due to my first mental breakdown hitting.
My birthday should be exciting but its really not? It never is for me. I don’t like being the center of attention. I don’t like the pressure of getting gifts. I don’t like getting older.
I still see myself as like a 17 year old still. Not someone who is turning 23. I feel like I’m supposed to have my shit together but I absolutely do not. I feel like I’m just a human tornado of stress and mental illness and self doubt. I want to be the type of adult who makes eye contact and smiles and doesn’t say “I don’t know” or “I guess” in every sentence because I doubt the words flowing out of my mouth. 23 seems like… an adult. And being an adult is scary. I’m not ready.
This spiral of thoughts could be a trigger for starting my seasonal depression every year. I’m not sure. I also don’t tolerate the cold well. I don’t like feeling pale, even though the fact that I’m a redhead means I’m never exactly the owner of a golden tan. I guess I like the slight color and my freckles. As that all fades I feel like the emptiness inside me comes to the surface. At least summertime filled with days in the sun can help me pretend its not there.
I take a lot of vitamin d supplements. I have an emotional support animal. I am on a new medication this year. I have a happy light. I’ve been going to yoga nearly everyday.
I’m genuinely working towards this year being different.
I have good friends. An apartment I love. I’m down 12 pounds.
I really have put a lot of effort into this winter not killing me.
I need this year to be different.
I need to keep up with the good work in school. Get up and go to class even when it’s snowing and a bed is much cozier. I need to go to yoga, to boxing, to not over indulge. I need to plan things to look forward to like trips and events. I need to practice self care. Self tan if I need. Groom my browns, do my hair, paint my toes. I need to put effort into me.
I need to keep busy. The second I’m alone is when I am consumed by my thoughts and feelings. Of loneliness. Self hatred. Hopelessness. I’ve noticed it a bit already when I’ve been alone recently. I need to fight it.
I need some new experiences. Friends. It’s my last year of college, I need to enjoy it.
I need to expect less from others. To stop projecting what I want in my life or out of friendships onto them. They have their own stories.
I need to stop expecting others to think and feel the way I do. Just because I think of someone as a friend or more all of the time doesn’t mean its reciprocated. Just because I give subtle hints doesn’t mean someone else actions are hints too.
I need to own my words, my actions. I need to work to be more confident in this season so I don’t backtrack. If I don’t progress I will digress.
I am working towards this. Towards me. Towards a functional winter. I need this to be good. I can’t survive another bad season. I will do all that I can. I will let you know if the work is enough.
twentysandtrying.com 